Hi there! If you are reading this, my name is Esther Omolola Ademiju. What you are about to read is my story/testimony. I pray that it meets you at any point you are in life and bless you in Jesus name, Amen.
I have always been in the church and grew up going to church but I never truly knew God or had a relationship with him. However, this year (2016) has been different. There have been changes. I got to know God truly. I built a relationship with him, and it has been life changing. But along the way, I started getting off track again and I saw myself slowly moving back into the world. So I decided to go on a journey with God because I NEVER want to go back into the world. I know where I used to be and I am not ready to go back there. So, I started 40 days fast & prayer especially from social media.
When I started this, I had no idea what I was getting into at all. I started this spiritual journey because I wanted to spend quality personal time with God and build a stronger relationship with him. I wanted out the distractions I get from social media and a full focus on God. But, I found out by my first week that knowing and getting closer to God and allowing God to use me will require getting out of my comfort zone. It will require taking some risks with faith.
During my fast, I was reading Rick Warren’s book titled, “Purpose driven life” with some friends for about the third time and when we got to Day 37, “Sharing your life message” something happened inside of me. This was not my first time reading this, but this time, it was different. During the discussion with my friends, I went on and on preaching that we should take the courage and share our story with others. But, my own words started to convict me, and God got into a conversation with me on this.
God: What about you, Esther? You have to share your story too.
Me: What??? God, that is definitely not you talking. Get behind me satan. You are a big liar. Oh, you want me to share my story and be disgraced right? No No No.
So, I kept pushing and ignoring God. But as I was reading through my spiritual journal, I found a prayer I once wrote. It says, “Lord, please let my life be all about you and not me. And Lord until I start living right for you, don’t give me peace of mind and keep pricking my mind about it, Don’t let go of me, God.”
God: You told me not to give you peace of mind and never to let go of you
Me: No wonder I couldn’t stop thinking about it
God: Esther, you have to share your story
Me: But God, you know what my story is and sharing it is going to literally ruin me and the little reputation I managed to build. Everyone thinks I am perfect, innocent and all. Do you have any idea how embarrassed I will turn out to be?
God: Esther, that is exactly the point. People have to know that you are not perfect. You are a sinner but by my grace, you were saved, and I will receive all glory and praise. Also, Esther, there are a lot of people out there who could get encouraged by your story and testimony. You have to share it.
Me: (deep breath) God I know there are people who could get encouraged by it. But what about me. I just don’t see anything good coming out of this for me.
God: My daughter, do you trust me? Do you trust that I will never push you to do something that will harm you? Do you trust that I am constantly working for your good?
Esther: Yes God. I do. Your word says so and I know you do not lie. But what about my friends and family? What will they think of me?
God: Esther, why are you so worried about what humans will say? You live your life pleasing me not people. Just trust me and do not fear, I am with you, I will help you.
Esther Okay, Lord. I am going to trust you and do this. Still kinda scared though but I’ll trust you through the process.
Being criticized, disgraced, condemned and embarrassed is a great fear we all have. But, I refuse to allow a temporary embarrassment and condemnation ruin my eternity. My father is probably going to be so disappointed when he reads this, my mom and stepmom will be too, my friends and all who love me will probably be too. I truly love you all, but I have come to love God so much more, and His word says if I love him, I will obey his commands (1 John 5:3; John 14: 15). So, this is about my obedience to what God has called and pushed me to do. What matters is my eternity and not what people are going to think of me. This is just for someone reading this. I sincerely pray and hope reading this will help at least someone to know how much God loves you and regardless of your past, He is willing to love and use you for His glory if you allow him. So, I am taking my advises and preachings, trusting God and I am bringing my past and sins into the light.
So, here it goes. First, I am not a virgin. This is a big deal for me because the Bible says my body is the temple of the holy spirit (1 Corinthians 6:19 ESV) and I surely have defiled this body several times. The Bible also says my body is not for sexual immorality but for the Lord and the Lord for the body (1 Corinthians 6:13b ESV). Mama sure told me several times not to go near boys or even talk to them. She sure said that a boy shouldn’t touch me for if they do, I’ll get pregnant. But I didn’t listen, and by the time I was about age 8 – 10, I had sex. It gave me pleasure and I continued with it. Well, this eventually stopped, after I wrote a letter to the guy telling him, I was no longer interested. I really cannot remember what prompted me to do that, though. But it didn’t end there. I went to high school, and I would allow boys to touch me. How stupid and ignorant I was. After high school, it continued in another form; I went on to masturbate and indulged in pornography until a few months ago. It was so bad to the point that I would actually schedule a time to masturbate & indulge in my sinful act.
The difference between when I was younger and months ago is, I wasn’t ignorant anymore. I went to church, listened to the sermons, read the Bible, and I knew I was doing the wrong thing. To top it all, I would Google and look for ways to justify that masturbating wasn’t really bad. Just, as the Bible says, I was inventing new means and method to sin. (Romans 1:30b NLT) But, deep down, I knew it was, even if Google says it is not. I knew I needed help. Doing that just didn’t feel good anymore, I wasn’t getting any pleasure anymore, I was so disgusted and mad at myself for allowing myself to keep falling into this temptation. So, I would lay on my bed and hide my face after my sinful acts because I felt like God was looking at me with a disappointed face and I couldn’t bare to look. It was no longer ignorance; it was intentional. I definitely knew better. And even when I try to do the right thing, I end up fall into my sinful ways again. Just like the Apostle Paul said in (Romans 7: 19 – 25 – I do not do the good I want, but I was doing the evil I did not want to do.) I was a wretch, and I knew only God could deliver me from this body of death.
So, I prayed desperately, I cried out to God, confessed my sins to God and asked for His help. The Bible says he has given me all I need to overcome temptations and he will always provide a way of escape. (1 Corinthians 10:13 ESV) So, I needed to handle this myself, of course, with God’s help, grace, and strength. I made an intentional decision to stop my sinful acts. So, when the temptation to masturbate seeps in, I will intentionally shift my attention to something else, I will intentionally start singing, find something rewarding to do or I would start praying, “God help me.” Because I knew my battles were not against flesh and blood but against spiritual forces. Sometimes, I will intentionally get up from my bed and move around because I knew the end result of staying on that bed won’t be good. I also figured that I tend to fall into this temptation when I am watching a movie and a sex scene comes up, my flesh automatically lusts. So, if I knew the movie contain a sex scene before I started watching it, I won’t watch it at all. But if I didn’t know and one comes up, I’ll immediately turn it off and watch something else. The Bible says to flee from temptation. So I did as much as I could.
God Almighty has finally and absolutely delivered me from this temptation, and I have not returned to my sinful ways and I never will by His grace. I feel so much joy and peace in my heart. I now experience true freedom in Christ. I used to be a “Christian” who hid my dirty secrets behind a fake righteous facade because I didn’t want people to know what I do backstage in my life. But, now, I am not ashamed to give free backstage passes, because I am no longer a slave to sin but a slave to righteousness – Romans 6:18. I am so thankful and give God all the glory and praise for all he has done and that which is currently doing in my life. It’s not by my works or might but by his grace, mercy, and love upon me. However, as His word says, “If you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall” (1 Corinthians 10:12 NIV). Also, courage and alertness are required of me (1 Corinthians 16:13 NCV – Be on guard. Stand firm in the faith. Be courageous. Be strong). If I get too arrogant and conceited, I’ll most likely find myself in that temptation again and back into the world. So I am staying on guard with God 24/7.
Second, I lie. I steal meat from the pot. I get jealous and envious of people. I compare myself to people. I mock people. I gossip. I condemn people. I judge people. I boast. I disrespect my elders and parents. I pretend to care when I don’t. I ………. and the list goes on and on. I am really far from being perfect. But his GRACE is perfect and sufficient for me. I was wretched, miserable, poor and lost in my sins, but His grace found and saved me. (1 Corinthians 15: 10 ESV – But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace toward me was not in vain). I acknowledge my wrong doings, and I know it starts from here, the change starts from here. I am bad, but my God is good. I am not perfect, but my God is perfect. I trust that gradually He will work in me and perfect all that concerns me. He will gradually replace these bad characters of mine with the fruits of the Holy Spirit and develop me into becoming like his son – Jesus Christ.
Third, When I started my relationship with God, I was so eager to preach his word and share it with others. So, I started this blog; I would also post encouraging things on Instagram and Facebook. But along the way, I started looking for humans approval and commendation. I started living for myself and tagged God’s name to it. I would have probably done the same on Snapchat if I knew how to use it. I enjoyed receiving compliments and people tell me things like, “Great job Esther, nice job, keep it up” all that and more. I’ll post something on Instagram, Facebook, and my blog and wait for a notification that someone liked or commented. But, Thank God for his faithfulness. He called me back to my senses and made me realized I was slowly moving over to the wide path again. I was slowing trying to please men and not him. (1 Galatians 1: 10 ESV – For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ). And that was when I decided to delete my social media apps (IG, FB & twitter) and focus on God for 40 days and get my mind transformed and renewed again. I needed God to make me love him more and needed him to give me the courage and boldness to preach his word and share my story.
During this time, a lot got revealed about me that I was totally unaware of, new characters were also cultivated. I now read my Bible every day, not so I can write a post or show people that I do read my bible. But because, I want to know God, his thoughts, and ways through his word. And, If I do post anything it will be from a clean conscience and goodwill of obeying God’s commandment to preach the gospel not because I want to boast or expect some commendation. I must also sing and worship my God every day now; my day just doesn’t feel complete without that. God also did answer my prayer and grant me the courage to share my story, and I am doing that right now. So, I shifted my intentionality. Instead of committing sin intentionally and continuing in my evil ways, I have decided to intentionally live my life doing God’s will, loving him, pleasing him and bringing him glory.
Now, the world and people’s opinion about me just doesn’t matter anymore. All that matters is what God thinks about me. It doesn’t matter if the whole world knows me, what matters is that God knows me. I am done with eye and lip services (Matthew 15:8 NLT – These people honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me) and saying empty words that I don’t do myself. I want my life to reflect and validate what I preach. I am done being a hypocrite. I am done playing games and flirting with the world. I am done following the crowd and conforming to the world and its ways. I am done being lukewarm because I don’t want God to spit me out of his mouth. It is time to get serious with God’s purpose for my life. I am done acting, speaking and thinking like a child; I need to grow and put away childish things (1 Corinthians 13: 11 NLT). It is time to be an adult. I am ready to live set apart for God.
I really thank God and appreciate Him for not letting me go even when I let go. I thank Him for remaining faithful when I wasn’t faithful. I am not proud of my past sins, in fact, I am ashamed of them, and sometimes I wish I could turn back the hands of time. But the past is past, and I am not going to let myself be a prisoner of my past. I will live the rest of my life right so I won’t have any regrets. I am a new creation; old things are passed away, all things are new (2 Corinthians 5: 17 ESV). I am not ashamed of Jesus or the gospel. There are no apologies for my new identity in Christ, for I know where I used to be and I have no desire to go back. I am never trading this relationship for anything. This relationship with God is life to me.
Someone may ask, “Do you feel free from your past? No guilty feelings whatsoever?” To be honest, I do not know if I can explain how free I am with just words. You need to see my face right now, I am just smiling and smiling and my heart is at peace. The kind of peace that passes all understanding and joy unspeakable. You know when Jesus said, “You shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free – John 8: 32” He was not joking when he said that statement. It is real, guys. I started reading and feasting on God’s word and truth every day. I was reading different promises of God about freedom and how my sins are forgiven, my adoption to sonship through Christ, and how I am now qualified to call him Abba Father (Romans 8: 15)… Truths that tell me I am free from condemnation because I have accepted Christ as my savior and forsaken my sinful ways. It took constant reading and implantation of these truths in my mind to truly set me free. The only antidote for a lie is truth. The only antidote for the lies the devil is telling you; that you are useless, abandoned, abused, can’t be forgiven, rejected and all that repetitive lies, schemes, tricks and garbage of his, is the truth in God’s word.
That is why studying the Bible is very important. I never knew there were promises and words that spoke directly to my life and situation in the Bible until I read it and I was in awe. I couldn’t believe that all this while all I had to do was read my Bible and find the truth. I had allowed Satan to feed me with his lies and mess with my mind. If I didn’t pick up my bible and read it, I would still be in bondage and be a prisoner of my past and the lies the enemy (Satan) kept telling me. He doesn’t want you to read the Bible and have your eyes open to the truth because he knows when you know the truth, you will break off of his lies and gain your freedom. He doesn’t want you to know who you are in Christ. He doesn’t want you to know how much God loves you. He doesn’t want you to know your worth and how important you are. You have to be intentional. Pick up your Bible and replace the lies of the enemy with truths. So, yes, I am free. I do not only feel free, I know and I am sure that I am free. I am so thankful that we serve a very merciful God who pardons abundantly. I am no longer a slave to sin and have become a slave to righteousness – Romans 6:18. I have a new and secure identity in Christ. So, I am pressing forward and keeping my eyes on the prize.
I want you to know that no matter how big or small your sin is, the point is all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and we all need his grace. His word says, “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death” – Romans 8: 1 -2 NIV. So make an intentional decision also to turn from your sinful ways today, ask God for his help and he will definitely help you. His word in Isaiah 55: 7 says, “let the wicked forsake his way, and the unrighteous man his thoughts; let him return to the LORD, that he may have compassion on him, and to our God, for he will abundantly pardon.”
I could go on and on about how important it is to love God, build a relationship with him and obey him because I have personally tasted the Lord and I know he is good.
Please, do not hesitate to get in touch if you have a question, need encouragement, support or have a prayer request. Just fill out the form on the CONTACT page. We definitely need one another and God in this journey. Get yourself a Bible on hand (not just on your phone) and feast on His word daily.
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Thanks so much for reading my story and testimony.
To Almighty God be all the glory, honor & praise 🙌🙌🙌
Peace and much love.
God bless you. Amen 🙏